The Web planet [0.9]

The TARDIS gets sucked up by some sort of forcefield, which pulls it down and traps it on the barren planet of Vortis. As the Doctor and Ian head outside to find the source of the forcefield, Barbara is hypnotised by her bracelet and Vicki accidentally dematerialises the ship.

As the dust settles, it appears the planet is a battleground between several insectile races: the Zarbi, giant ants who make electronic beeping noises and keep bumping into the furniture; the Menoptra, who are some sort of hybrid of moths and wasps; the Optera, who look like giant foamy woodlice; some other thing that I didn’t catch the name of but that has a very long nose; and the Animus, that is supposed to be a spider but looks more like a jellyfish.

The Majesty

I have to applaud the intentions here. From the famous trick of smearing vaseline on the camera lens, to the ambitious idea of a story without humanoid characters, there is a definite attempt to create something alien. And in the earlier episodes, the exterior sets and model work look really good, and I grudgingly admit that they managed to pull it off fairly well in these aspects.

I also will grant that the cliffhanger to episode one is actually rather good. Ian is covered with a web of tentacles, Barbara is hypnotised and about to walk into an acid bath, Vicki has gone mad and the Doctor realises that the TARDIS has disappeared, leaving them marooned. If only the resolution in episode two lived up to the suspense. (Ian nonchalantly takes off the tentacles, Barbara turns, Vicki sobers up, and the Doctor realises the TARDIS has been dragged over a hill...)

The Misery

Well actually pretty much everything else. The interior sections are very obviously filmed in a studio. The floor is visible at all times and the walls are either curtains or flat stage paintings. The costumes are also very silly – the Menoptera are supposed to be delicate, but they are wearing uber-fluffy, striped pyjama trousers. Meanwhile the woodlice are the insectile equivalent of a herd of pantomime cows. The Zarbi, especially, are dumb: always in danger of knocking over the scenery, their method of attack appears to be based on the ‘coming-uncomfortably-close-and-nudging-you-with-my-head’ school of thought, and (oh my word!) do these electronic alarm sounds get annoying. Not only is the story utterly boring and ridiculous, but my ears are also bleeding as a result.

Nor is that all – we have the Doctor at his most annoying, with endless ‘Ha ha’ and ‘Ho Ho’, which was once quaint, but is now used in situations without any hint of humour. We have dumb science, such as the ‘Atmosphere Density Jackets’ which are supposed to help you breathe, but they don’t cover your face and in any case you can breathe better without them... And we wait till the final episode to even see the big bad ‘Animus’, and when we do we wish we hadn’t. And the whole climax is over in 20 seconds. (“I have the power! I have the power!” *dies*)

Magical Moments

Some of these moments are magical only in the widest possible sense:

• Ian: “I have a feeling we’re being watched. Haven’t you?” - Doctor: “No... No, no, no, no I can’t see any spooks or anything, no, I... I don’t think so, no. Not particularly, no.” (You’re not telling me it was scripted that way...)
• Ian steps into the corpse of a huge bug. It cracks and he ends up ankle deep in goo. Lovely...
• Ian blatantly tries to help the Doctor remember his lines: “What galaxy’s that in Doctor?”
• The Doctor, on meeting the Zarbi: “Apart from rubbing our legs together like some sort of grasshopper, I doubt if we could speak to them.”
• The Doctor, to the Animus, and clearly not remotely attempting to take the story seriously: “Drop this hairdryer or whatever it is.”
• One of the Menoptera gets it’s wings cut off and laments that it will never fly again. It’s almost touching, in the middle of all this mess. Actually the scenes with the Menoptera flying are a pretty good visual effect, even if it is clearly done with wires.
• The first appearance of the giant woodlice in episode 4 is the most ridiculous moment in a story crammed with them. They speak with a strange sort of Mexican accent, hesitate and jump on the spot to emphasise a word and have an incredibly long monologue to start with. I pity the actor that had to do this. At least he could wear a mask and preserve his dignity in anonymity.
• The Menoptera attract the attention of the Zarbi by leaving up and down waving their arms and shouting “Zaaaaar-bi!” repeatedly.

In Summary

This is a shockingly awful story – easily the worst I’ve seen. Some bits of it fall into the so-bad-its-good category. The aliens, with their dumb costumes and bizarre choreography, certainly fall into this category. But it’s six episodes long: almost three hours, with endless talking, meandering plots and subplots, no real villain, a climax that’s over before it’s begun, and the Zarbi communicate by electronic alarms...

Overall: 0.9 (mainly for effort, and for the fact that it’s a surviving historical record of what took place in a particular studio over a particular period in 1965)